Andy Schwarz

Yes, THE Andy Schwarz (please hold your applause)

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Short Story: Fantasies of a Little Boy

So I’m driving home on 280 (it was Friday and 101 is especially migraine-inducing on Fridays) and all of a sudden, there’s Nicholas Cage in the Toyota to my left. So I get real excited and start waving and honking to get his attention. When he finally acknowledges me (it took a while, I’ll tell you), he smiles and then floors it, expecting to leave me in his Corolla Dust. I’m sure!

Norm, my ‘85 Olds Cutlass Cruiser, is up for the challenge. I jam on the gas and soon Cage’s crappy little Asian job is sputtering up one of 280’s rolling hills. Norm is cruising at 75 without even a hiccup thanks to the high octane I had recently humored him with. So as I approach, I notice Cage has a bumper sticker on his car which says, “Serramonte Bowling League - It’s Fantastic,” and I’m thinking to myself, maybe this really isn’t Nicholas Cage — after all would some big movie star be bowling at the Serramonte Mall on a regular basis? - but when I finally pulled even with him I knew it was him.

Now Cage is kind of worried, because I have a face that looks a little bit psycho sometimes,and all the while I’m still honking and yelling, ‘cause it’s Nicholas Cage in the Toyota to my left. Once I catch him, I slow to his pace (Though Norm balks at the idea and I almost lose him, getting a second chance to check out Cage’s bowling sticker) and I start gesturing that I want his autograph. He thinks I’m nuts and starts gesturing to indicate this. I already know I’m nuts, so I gesture to him by swerving my car in and out
of his lane, just nicking his car and sending him into the shoulder on the far left. Now he KNOWS I’m nuts and tries to floor it as we crest the hill.

Norm is a big boy as cars go and going really fast downhill comes easy for him. Cage is clearly upset, and I see that he’s reaching for a cellular phone or something. Like, why is this big star with a car phone driving a Corolla? But no time for speculation because within a couple of minutes there’s a cop and I slow down because I’m driving uninsured, and Cage hits the gas. I saw his stupid bowling sticker for another thirty seconds and then he was gone.